


Death by Gasoline, Zoolander Style

by maryperk



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: BtVS S6, Character Death Loads of Character Death, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-17
Updated: 2012-11-17
Packaged: 2017-11-18 21:26:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/565471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maryperk/pseuds/maryperk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Deathathon Entry. I've never watched Zoolander because I dislike Ben Stiller immensely. So, I went by descriptions given to me by other people. Since this was by Athenewolf's request I let her read it, and she approved of everything. She wanted massive deaths and that's what she got. Be warned, many main character deaths!!!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Death by Gasoline, Zoolander Style

**Author's Note:**

> Betaed by Tasha

Chapter 1

Buffy had patrolled half the cemeteries in Sunnydale before her shadow made his appearance.  She hadn't seen him since the wedding from Hell, and she had to admit to herself she had missed his presence dogging her every move since they had 'broken up'.  If that's what you wanted to call her crushing her heart under her boot.  "What do you want, Spike?" she asked wearily.

 

 

 

"I just wanted to know how you and the Nibblet are doing, Slayer," Spike replied quietly.  He jammed his hands into his pockets in an attempt not to touch the woman he desired above all others.  He didn't want to provoke Buffy, but he was concerned about the two women he loved.

 

 

 

"We're okay Spike. I mean we've been better, but you don't need to worry about us. It's not your responsibility." Buffy continued to walk away from the vampire, but her Spike sense told her that he was keeping pace behind her.  _He's probably watching my butt while I walk._   She mentally rolled her eyes, but it tickled her to think that he might still want her.

 

 

 

"I know that, Slayer, but it doesn't stop from being concerned about you and Dawn," Spike muttered.  Oh, how he wanted to reach and grab the Slayer's pert little arse.

 

 

 

"Just...don't. Things are hard enough right now without adding more stress. I just need space okay?"  Buffy stopped next to a brand new grave.

 

 

 

"I swore to protect Nibblet till the end of the world, and the world isn't ending as of yet."  Spike stopped walking when Buffy did.  He dug his cigarettes out of his duster pocket and lit one.

 

 

 

"Give it a few weeks.  It's almost May." Buffy leaned against the gravestone next to the new grave.  "I don't know why you keep hanging around anyway. I told you it's over."

 

 

 

"I know it's over, Buffy.  You've told me enough times, but I can't just turn the feelings off like you do."  Spike sighed while he smoked his cigarette.  He kept darting little looks at the Slayer.

 

 

 

Buffy looked lost in thought. "I think I understand why Angel left.  It was to avoid us turning into this."

 

 

 

"Angelus left because he was a coward," Spike growled.  He hated the way Buffy always turned everything back to the king of hair gel.

 

 

 

"How can you possibly say that, Spike?"  Buffy pushed away from the gravestone, and she advanced on the blond vampire.

 

 

 

"He could have found a way to make it work, but Liam always was a lazy bastard." Spike sighed.  He wondered if the Slayer would ever see his grandsire for what he really was, an egotistical arsehole.   "He could have found a way to fix the soul thing, could have made a go at the relationship...but no. The first sign of it involvin' more than a little effort or strain, what does he do?  He turns and runs. No wonder the bastard spent almost a century living in the sewers surviving off of rats."

 

"And you spent that century with an insane ho killing indiscriminately."  Buff poked Spike in the chest with one finger.  She jerked her hand away from him when he grabbed said finger to give it a sensual suck.  
  


 

"It's what I was, Buffy, still am.  I'm just under more control now. I can't change the past.  I wouldn't want to even, because if I did I'd have never come here, never have met you, or Joyce or the Nibblet. Wouldn't want to give that up for anything."  Spike smirked when he smelled Buffy's arousal.  No matter what she said about them being over, he knew she was still affected by him.

 

 

 

"Even after the way I've treated you?" Buffy asked.  She whirled around to confront the now rising fledgling and to hide the guilt in her eyes from Spike.

 

 

 

"Of course, Buffy, it's who I am.  Love's bitch till the end."   Spike loved to watch Buffy fight, and tonight was no exception.  He watched as she quickly and efficiently staked the fledgling vampire.

 

 

 

Buffy stared down at the dust on the ground.  "So there's nothing you'd change?"

 

 

 

Spike thought for a moment, before he said, "Well, I wish those other wankers you had sex with would die in tragic accident.  Maybe something painful, like a fire. You know like in that stupid movie the Nibblet made us watch right after your return....."

 

 

 

Buffy searched her memory until she came up with which movie Spike meant. "You mean Zoolander with Ben Stiller?"

 

 

 

"Yeah, that's the one."

 

 

 

Buffy stepped closer to Spike, and she laid her hand on his forearm. "Well, I wish Dru and Harmony would die in the same way."

 

 

 

The blond couple failed to notice Anyanka standing behind a nearby crypt, and her whispered, "Wish granted."  Spike and Buffy smiled at each other almost shyly before the vampire stroked the Slayer's cheek, and he whirled around to stride off into the darkness.  Just before Anyanka transported out, she heard a small whispered wish from Buffy.  The vengeance demon smiled, and whispered once again, "Wish granted."

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

Angel checked his fuel gauge just before pulling into the gas station.  He knew Dru was in the vicinity, and he wanted to find her before she caused some kind of havoc.  Angel failed to notice the military SUV parked at the next island of pumps.

 

 

 

Riley Finn grinned to himself.  The revenge he had waged against Buffy and her damned vampire had been so cold, so sweet, and so poetic.  Her self-esteem had been crushed and his crypt had been blown up.  It was one of the best days of Riley's life.  The commando failed to noticed the good looking dark haired man trying to seduce the blond bimbo behind the counter of the gas station.

 

 

 

Parker Abrams had noticed the cute blonde girl as soon as he had walked into the convenience store.  His luck had gone down hill in the past few years.  It was harder and harder for him to find girls who fell for his sensitive guy routine.  This girl seemed just his type; blond and stupid.

 

 

 

Harmony rolled her eyes as the human male approached the counter trying to be suave and sophisticated.  She wrinkled her nose when she smelled several other women on him.  Harmony figured he would be a fast lay before she ate him for dinner.  She failed to notice the dark haired vampiress eyeing her from the back room.

 

 

 

Drusilla watched as the other players gathered.  Something had pulled all of them to this spot, to this moment in time.  The insane vampiress could see the black shadow of death hanging over all of them, beckoning to them with his long, bony fingers.  Drusilla whimpered as she saw the shadow of her dark prince and his slayer taint each and every one of them, and she wondered if she had a reflection if she could see the same taint clinging to her.

 

 

 

Kennedy Hornhouser decided that neither Buffy Summers nor Faith Lehane were going to be the hero this time.  Jumping through the portal was the current Slayer's job, not the used-to-be Slayers'.  Both former Slayers were disgraces, in Kennedy's opinion.  Buffy was mated to a vampire of ill repute and Faith was an ex-convict.  Their only redeeming quality was how well they fought both separately and as partners.  Kennedy faced the portal with dignity and poise, sure in her belief that the other Slayers' warnings of what might be on the other side were jealousy on their part.  Kennedy leaped through the swirling blue vortex.

 

 

 

Riley noticed a very familiar looking male standing next to a black convertible.  He blinked a few times before he recognized Buffy's other vampire.  The commando grinned to himself when he thought about how he could rub the dark haired vampire's face in the fact that Buffy was boinking another vampire.  He strode across the gas station parking lot intent on talking to the other male, when a strange feeling overtook him.

 

 

 

Angel turned around when he heard the footsteps behind him.  He was surprised to see Buffy's ex-boyfriend crossing the parking lot towards him.  He studied the man carefully, and for some reason the smug smile on the little punk's face irked Angel's demon to no end.

 

 

 

"Hey, Angel.  Long time, no see," Riley called out.  He felt himself stop and pose himself aggressively with hands fisted in the air.

 

 

 

Angel raised his fists in the air, too.  "Too soon if you ask me."

 

 

 

The two men moved towards each other.  They circled around each other in what appeared to be a carefully choreographed dance.  Each threw punches that never connected, but they still seemed to have the power to knock their opponent's head back.  The two fighters watched each other very carefully, and when one moved so did the other.

 

 

 

"I was in Sunnydale about a month ago," Riley announced tauntingly.  "Buffy found herself a new vampire."  He moved to one of the nearby gas pumps to lean suggestively against it.

 

 

 

"I highly doubt that," Angel replied.  He found himself leaning his chest into the pole that held up the gas station's rain guard, and he raised one foot behind him in what would have been a provocative pose had he been a female.

 

 

 

"I saw it myself."  Riley smirked sexily.  "I found her and Spike naked in his crypt."

 

 

 

Harmony noticed the two strangely acting males outside, and she moved outside as soon as she heard the Slayer's name linked with Spike's.  She grimaced as she shrieked, "That Slayer loving freak!"  She rushed over to Angel who whirled around to catch her in his arms.  The two vampires leaned into each other as if they were going to kiss, but each them stopped within a few inches of the other.

 

 

 

"Buffy would never allow Spike that close," Angel declared.  He flung himself away from Harmony and towards Riley.  The two males grabbed the other's shoulders while they twirled around gracefully.  One of them knocked a gas nozzle out of the gas pump, and as if in slow motion it fell to the ground.

 

 

 

Parker had followed Harmony to the door of the store, but he  had yet to step outside.  His mind couldn't comprehend the strange sight in front of him.  Parker gasped in surprise when a beautiful dark haired woman came up to stand just behind him.

 

 

 

"My dark prince and his sunshine wished this," Dru said dreamily.  "Soon the past will collide with the future."  Then, she shoved the dark haired human out into the parking lot.

 

 

 

Harmony flitted over to the fallen nozzle.  She picked it up, and then she cooed, "We should do this wet.  Gasoline's like water, isn't it?"  Harmony depressed the trigger, and she hosed down the combatants. "Oh, and cigarettes, we all need cigarettes for a good fight."

 

 

 

The others watched as the blond woman dropped the gas hose on the ground to rush inside the store.  In a matter of moments she came out with a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.  The others gathered around her.  Each took a cigarette from the offered pack.  Harmony lit Dru and Parker's first, and just as she was about to light Angel's a flash of blue appeared.

 

 

 

A pretty young woman appeared out of nowhere holding a stake in one hand and a sword in the other.  In her terror of realizing that the newest member of the group was a Slayer, Harmony accidentally lit Angel's sleeve on fire, followed closely by Riley's hair when he leaned over her hand to light his cigarette.  When she noticed that the two men were burning, she shrieked.  While she tried to scramble away she fell into the puddle of gas.

 

 

 

Whoosh!

 

 

 

The entire area went up in flame.  Angel, Harmony, and Dru dusted instantly.  Riley's, Parker's and Kennedy's charred and unrecognizable remains fell to the ground.  Angel's convertible and Riley's SUV melted into lumps of metal when the underground tank exploded.

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

"You keep out of those, Spike," Buffy shouted while she raced to the phone.  She picked up the receiver and greeted the person on the other end.  "Cordy?  What?  No, we haven't seen Angel."  Buffy turned to look at Spike who was leaning lazily against the doorway to the kitchen.  "He disappeared five days ago while looking for Dru?  No, I haven't been home.  We all went to Vegas and got married.  I'll keep an eye out for him.  Bye."  She hung up the phone in a daze.

 

 

 

"The Poofter's disappeared?" Spike said lazily.  "Strange since Captain Cardboard's wife called earlier and said he disappeared, too."  He moved into the hallway to take his bride into his arms.   Spike grinned to himself while he winked at Anya who was standing in the living room.  _The Slayer doesn't need to know that demon-girl was there when we had our little wishfest._

 

 

 

"I'd like to propose a toast," Dawn announced.  She held her glass of sparkling cider up.  "First to Spike and Buffy, who knew when a certain vampire rolled into town he'd end up married to the Slayer instead of killing her.  To Tara and Willow, I'm so glad that you two ironed out your differences.  And last, to Xander and Anya, may all your wishes come true."  Dawn squealed.  "I can't believe you guys all got married."  Then she sighed as all three couples kissed long and deep.


End file.
